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COUNSELOR TO A HEALER



I was well into a busy private practice when I first read we teach best what we
most need to learn. I was sure it did not apply to me. I had become a counselor to
help others, not myself, and was trained to be objective in my work. If a
disproportionate number of patients seemed to have issues with anger during a
week that I was upset with my husband, it was attributed to coincidence or
something in the air, or the cycle of the moon. What could my personal issues
possibly have to do with the content of my clients’ counseling sessions?  

Twenty five years later, I see how my personal issues, the development of
counseling skills and trends in the field of psychotherapy have all run parallel.
Ongoing training has served as much to resolve my personal problems as to
further my career.  

In the sixties, I was enthusiastically humanistic. Unconditional positive regard and
intensive group experiences were in fashion and I counseled accordingly.
Identified with the disenfranchised of society both as an older single woman and a
foreigner, I provided nurturing, acceptance and encouragement to my individual
clients, and a supportive environment for my groups at an inner city community
mental health center. After professional training in group process helped resolve
my issues with intimacy and belonging, I married and joined a real life family
group.  

Marriage and family therapy were coming into vogue when I began my practice,
so I saw couples and families together in the office. My clients’ problems with
boundaries, enmeshment and power struggles were echoed in my personal life,
where there were aging parents and adolescent stepchildren to deal with in
addition to my spouse. It was hard to maintain a balance at home when my
husband and I rarely saw one another except at mealtimes.  

Victims of eating disorders who mirrored my identity issues appeared in my office
as I struggled with a confusion of role expectations. I counseled hundreds of
bright, accomplished women who were extraordinarily successful in the outside
world while starving for a wholesome definition of themselves. “Take time for
yourself,” I urged them, “learn to say no to the demands of others”—all the time
caring for clients, parents, family and friends with barely time to breathe.  

Eating disorders and compulsive overwork were redefined as addictions when
recovery programs became fashionable. The success of twelve step programs and
the popularity of Scott Pecks’ "A Road Less Traveled" spearheaded the recognition
of spiritual issues in psychotherapy, so the concept of unconditional positive
regard was expanded to include a Higher Power. In the office, guided imagery and
meditative techniques helped clients access an inner source through which to heal
their wounds, decreasing their dependency. At home, discovery of my spiritual
Self made me less dependent on my husband and I left the marriage.  

Formerly disassociated memories of childhood sexual abuse surfaced after my
divorce. I had been treating victims of sexual abuse for years without a clue that I
was a survivor myself. Sexual abuse and recovered memories were now a “hot”
topic in the field. Was it coincidence that my memories surfaced at a time when
there was so much public and professional attention to the issue?  

In a vivid dream:  
Everything familiar has been destroyed in an earthquake and I am wandering
alone in the rubble. I will have to start all over again, but I know that I can do it. I
know that I am a Healer.  

What is the difference between a counselor and a healer?  

A counselor is someone who teaches what he or she most needs to learn—a healer
is someone who has learned what he or she has been teaching.  
As a healer, I recognize that everyone, inside and outside the office is both teacher
and student.  

I was wrong about the reason I became a counselor. I became a counselor to heal
ME.